The book taught me to become more comfortable with being uncomfortable. There I was, totally devaluing someone based on one thing she said that I didn’t agree with. No, it wasn’t that I didn’t agree, it was that she said my friend did something wrong. At the same time, I was idolizing L, thinking about how cool I thought she was and how I was impressed by her candid constitution.
And vice versa, if something results in a bad result/attitude/feeling, you may find that you tend to discount positive things. It was completely irrational, but it was an obvious display of black-and-white thinking to me — a demonstration I really needed because I didn’t even know I was splitting. I can’t spot it all the time, but I am pretty good at noticing when I’m splitting now. And the best part is once I realize I’m doing it, I can use my skills to talk myself to a middle ground.
Actually, that last one can bring out the most stunningly creative solutions at times. Reading through the comments I recognized my own mixed thoughts when I first saw the illusion. Some people were convinced it was going one way, some were certain it was going the other. Some said it was clearly going one way then changing direction. Some were pleased because it confirmed their image of themselves as left or right brained. Some were disappointed that it meant they weren’t ‘creative’ enough.
Black and White Thinking
Don’t get angry at your significant other— they’re just as confused as you. An ex called me out of the blue, triggering a flood of insecurities from my then-partner. She went ballistic and did so many mental backflips that I checked her LinkedIn profile to find out where she trained as an elite psychiatric acrobat. She stormed off without her phone, and I had to chase after her.
If you only see people and situations as either good or bad, you miss out on the opportunity to get to know them better. When you are ready to accept to lose and fall out of a higherbond.com choice you have made, you get even further away from the black and white way of thinking. You learn that things can turn out very differently than you imagined and expected.
In a recently published study, the researchers examined the dynamics of interracial marriage. However, they weren’t concerned with the reasons for these gender imbalances. Rather, they were interested in how other members of the particular minority viewed these racially mixed marriages. If you find that you have a tough time applying these recommendations to yourself, don’t feel bad.
Finding Goldilocks: A Solution for Black-and-White Thinking
Black and white thinking can cause a lot of challenges in different situations, such as jobs, relationships with others, learning new information, and your own self-confidence. When my therapist first asked me to read the DSM criteria for BPD and see if I found it familiar, I told her that wasn’t me at all. I didn’t think I had black-and-white thinking or pretty much any of the other symptoms that I can now see I obviously had. So it wasn’t until about six months into DBT that I was able to take a step back and notice myself splitting. I remember it very well as it was a huge revelation for me and a leap forward towards recovery.
This means that your clients need to know what thoughts and images are going through their minds if they are to be able to balance their thinking. Thought records are a brilliant way of catching our automatic thoughts. Clients are encouraged to complete thought records whenever they notice a significant change in how they are feeling – this is a strong clue that they have had an automatic thought. At their simplest, thought records consist of a form with space to record information about the situation in which a thought occurred, the thought or image itself, and how it made them feel.
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For example, a passer in a car with a Black person who is not a passer may nevertheless face racism by association, or guilt about their silence. Black people who have such light skin that they are mistaken for white people are called “passers.” (The full term is white-passing, though my ex-girlfriend never used that word). Photo of mural taken by authorI’m white, and during the last year I dated a Black woman. During this time I learned many things about race that I would not have known otherwise. I don’t claim to be an expert on race or because I dated a Black woman. Yet, the experience opened my eyes to what it can be like to live as a Black person in America.
How Can I Leave Black and White Thinking Behind?
Seeing the world in black and white makes it challenging to resolve conflict. You may be so convinced that your viewpoint is the only correct option that you are unwilling to consider your partner’s point of view in order to move past the conflict and arrive at a mutual understanding. When you are a dichotomous thinker, it can be difficult to forgive mistakes because you will begin to view your partner as inherently flawed for making a mistake in the first place. This lack of forgiveness does not make for a healthy relationship. Since black and white thinkers see the world in an “all or nothing” way, they tend to have difficulty compromising.
As a supplement, or if you can’t afford therapy, there are many resources to help you start on your own. It wasn’t until I finally quit drinking and got the support that I realized most people are not plagued 24-7 by emotionally overreactive thought patterns. I’d be given examples of things I’d done well or improved upon. If it wasn’t a 100% glowing endorsement, it was an indictment. This type of negative thought pattern is one I know all too well.
Our performance is judged as good or bad, meaning if it isn’t perfect then we must be failing. Or we forgot crazy hat day at school so we are a failure as a mom . Or we made a mistake at work and started to believe we will never succeed. Seeing ourselves this way is not only unhelpful but it creates anxiety by setting an unattainable standard that no one can meet.
In fact, early in my career, I found that as long as I dressed well, people believed I was higher on the totem pole than I actually was. There is scant evidence that the Founding Fathers thought twice about owning other human beings. In other words, the man who wrote “All men are created equal” did his part to make sure they weren’t. As such, many Black people, consider racism as enshrined in the core documents of American democracy — and cannot see the people who created them redeemable.
As for which goes where, well, the regular rules of sudoku do apply. Its a seriously full brained creative problem solving puzzle. If you try it, don’t blame me for the lost hours of sleep.
